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I made it clear that it was very important for my project that Cindy remain happily married to Bob, and that Ed was threatening that. Since Ed was his sim, I told him, it was only reasonable that he fix the problem for me.

He listened politely and was quite sympathetic to my situation. I have to give him credit for that. Unfortunately, though, he told me there was nothing he could do. He started going on about how the program worked, about chaotic systems and emergent behavior and all.

"You see, Nadine," he told me at one point, "the way these systems work, it's very difficult to modify them once they've accumulated enough different behaviors to form a personality. Every bit of their programming is linked to every other bit, and if you or I were to try to change that now, it would only cause the equivalent of brain damage. You can't just reach in and change a sim's mind any more than you could reprogram a human being."

I almost started to cry then. I could see my entire project falling to pieces around me. Cindy would persist in her infatuation with Ed. Due to her inattention, the family would suffer. Bob would become unhappy and the kids would miss their mommy as she spent more and more time having trysts with Ed.

Irwin did his best to console me. "Look, Cindy, I know this isn't what you wanted to happen, but you have to accept that people aren't always going to behave the way you expect them to. Why don't you just try to make the best of it? Can't you still do a good psychology paper on your sims? Maybe something about the effects an affair has on a marriage?"

I didn't like the idea, and I still don't like it, but it seems like the best thing I can do, given the circumstances. I need a project. Cindy is a slut. There's nothing I can do about either of those things. I really have no choice but to do what Irwin suggested, and focus my study on Cindy's affair with Ed.

So I thanked Irwin for his help and went home, getting myself out of that filthy, disgusting apartment and away from that stinky, slimy greaseball. That's all that happened tonight.

Friday 11/3 1:34 PM

Okay, I lied. That's not all that happened last night. I also kissed Irwin.

I didn't plan it. It just sort of happened. And I still think he's a really disgusting, filthy guy. But he was being so helpful about my project and telling me how I could salvage it. And I guess I was kind of emotionally vulnerable. And when I looked at him on the couch, he just seemed different somehow. Less repulsive. His unkempt hair and smelly breath seemed almost charming. "Intriguing" would be a good word, I guess.

So when I was getting ready to leave, I leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek. Just a friendly little peck. But I lingered a bit too long. And then I shifted a little and gave him a kiss on the lips. I don't know why, I guess I just got carried away in the emotions of the moment.

And then, the next thing I knew it had gone from being just a kiss to being a kiss, with tongues and all. I guess in a way I was scared that I was doing this, but it just felt so damn good to be kissing him.

It lasted for several minutes, and then we took a break for air. Then I sort of snapped out of it and realized what I'd done and ran out of his apartment and back home. I guess last night I just wanted to pretend it never happened.

But it did, and I have to deal with this. I stayed home from classes today trying to cope with this. Tonight I have to go tell Irwin that I made a mistake, and explain to him that I can only be friends with him.

Tuesday 11/7 9:45 PM

I spent the weekend with Brad, hoping to wash off the memories of kissing Irwin last week and reignite our romance.

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