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Projectwork with a classmate leads to another surprise.
Describing the actions, the feelings they evoked... that is certainly a large portion of what eventually came to be my undoing.
But the truly spectacular parts in between have been left somewhere in my memory and have escaped the pages along the way.
I had, of course, had sex before. (And no, that's not where this is leading quite yet...) And although I got *very*, *very* lucky in that my first time with a man had been with a person whom, I'd not only had a long term relationship with (very long term in teen years... my first boyfriend lasted 2 years), but whom I'd also been very much *in* love with, it did not quite meet up to my expectations, as many "first times" are wont to do.
It was pleasant, but only so. There was no true passion, no real fire. I did not expect, by any means, some grandiose notion of "true love" or some climactic climb of sweaty bodies, harsh breaths, and/or exploding universes. Yet, it was not only none of those, but also just no... feeling. Physically. To be quite honest, I'd feared for many years since that I was perhaps simply frigid and incapable of feeling true attraction to a person in the physical sense. My body reacted clinically - prepared itself. But there was just - nothing. For the longest time, I honestly doubted it truly existed.
So, when I tell you, in vivid description, what feelings were riotously running through me in response to this one man... you should know the true scope of what exactly I mean.
I am a very passionate person by nature. I believe in many things, and my beliefs and moral codes are the foundation of how I live my life. My emotions do not rule my mind, but my mind is most definitely governed by them in somewhat of a democracy. I am very instinctual. What my mind does not know, my "gut feeling" and emotional reaction in tandem with what those same emotions trigger as a physical reaction, will ultimately make up for despite any current logic on the situation at hand.
This same character trait - and, at times, flaw - has enabled me to get into and out of many a debatable situation. "Fight or flight" instinct, I've heard it called.
I also feel *very* strongly. Very rarely do I ever feel simply one emotion at a time. When I am angry, I am usually also frustrated, irritated, depressed, hurt, among many other possible combinations. When I love, it's forever. I never *stop* loving a person, although that love does change with the circumstances. (Many of my exes and friends I've cared for, I would die for. I still love them *very*, very much. However... there is a difference between loving a person and being *in* love, and although one may stop being *in* love with another, in my world view, that does not mean they necessarily must stop loving them.) When I feel attraction, it is wholeheartedly and every part of my being is thrown into it. It's how I work, how I tick - how I live. Everything within me goes into what I am passionate about.
So, for me to feel hardly anything during sex was, indeed, extremely confusing for me; however, it was also simply the way things had been since the beginning for me, and so I learned to simply live with it and didn't really expect anything different.
I guess he proved me wrong in that aspect. I had never, have not, and possibly may not again - feel the overwhelming response my own body had to him.
Because of this, however, it also led to many complications along the way on my part that perhaps could have been handled much better than I handled them at the time.