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In its place reared the ugly head of jealousy. Lust was in there, too. At night after Will and I went to bed, I'd lie there and replay the images of our tryst over and over again until I was breathless and desperate.
I couldn't go on like this. Cathy eyed me at work, asking without words whether I'd been a good girl. I'd always give her a nod, then talk about something else. But her knowing gaze followed me around the office. My regret and my desire mingled together until they were one great albatross around my neck that I was sure could never be removed.
Saturday came. The anniversary of my betrayal. I was alert and anxious. Will watched me fidgeting with a curious expression. I kept telling myself to cut it out, that I was only arousing his suspicion, but it couldn't be helped. Jackson had friends over, and every few moments we would hear the roaring of bikes.
Sometime after dinner I couldn't handle it anymore. I grabbed the keys and announced I was going to the drug store.
Will was propped up in his chair, reading some boring book. He glanced at the clock. It was around 9. "Want me to come?"
"No, it's okay. I won't be long."
I could tell he wanted to ask what I was getting, but he restrained himself. I could almost hear his thoughts: "Don't want to be nosey. She's been weird lately but I don't want to make her more skittish. Maybe I'll ask her about it later."
Eventually he smiled. "Okay."
He deliberated a minute. "No, thanks. See you later."
Moments later I was out in the cool air. It seemed like every star was out. They were my witnesses.
Jackson stood in a crowd of his friends, a cigarette dangling from his lips and his eyes on me. His friends shut up as I came closer.
A few of the men grunted in response. Jackson flicked ash off the tip of his cigarette.
"Going somewhere?" he asked.
I nodded. "Just to the drug store."
He blew out some smoke. He looked completely at ease, like a relaxed tiger lazing under the sun. "Which one?"
"The one on the corner of Viola Avenue."
"Have fun," he said. It was a dismissal.
My eyes blinked a few times. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but that wasn't it. A few of the guys smiled at the ground. It was incredibly awkward.
"Thanks. Have a good night, guys," I managed.
The drive over was a disaster. As thoughts flurried and taunted, I sped through the roads like a demon. What the hell was I thinking going over there? Why did I formulate the ruse that I was going to the fucking store? What the hell did I think I'd get out of that?
I was pretty depressed by the time I parked. I stopped my car a ways back from the store under complete darkness. I sensed a crying session and I didn't want any more embarrassing scenes tonight.
Just as I cut off the ignition, my driver door flung open and a large arm dragged me out. Before I could scream, a hand covered my mouth.
"Shh," Jackson whispered.
Then he fell into my driver's seat, pulling me along. The door slammed and we were stuffed in, with the wheel practically up my ass.
He kissed me. "I didn't hear your bike."___
He wasted no time in skimming my hips with his hands. "I took the car."
"What the hell are you doing?"
"What you asked me to," he replied simply, pulling my shirt down so he could suck my nipple through my bra.
Though his tongue and smell was distracting enough, I wanted answers. "I didn't ask you to do this."
Jackson laughed. His head fell back so he could look at me. "Honey, you have no idea what your eyes told me tonight."
Fuck. "This is wrong."
He nodded slowly. His hand slipped my bra strap down. "But you want it."
"More than anything."
"Feel guilty later," he suggested. His fingers pinched my bared nipple.
I smiled, though I fought really hard not to. "It doesn't work that way."
His lips curved, but he didn't move his stare from the excruciating tightness of my nipple. "It doesn't? Do you feel guilty now?" His fingers traveled down, unzipping my jeans.
"Yes," I whispered.
His hand snaked in and found me panty-le